I want to be happy, I try to be happy but it seems like no matter how much I try to pretend to be I'm not.
Maybe its the uncertainty of job, my temp position ends on Monday, or the fact that my other job (my original job gone part time) will be closing the doors and there are just a handful of people left there seems to be a cloud hanging over every time I go in. Maybe it's the fact that I am always tired and I don't exercise because I'm tired; truth is I'm tired because I don't exercise.
What I do know is that it certainly is not because of my family. I love my husband and daughters to death and they love me. Its not the material things in life, I'm content with the things God has blessed me with. I don't feel deprived in the least bit. So what is it?
I'm just tired and can't find it in me to get excited about much. Bill pretty much has taken over the household duties because I can't seem to get my act together. He shouldn't have to do that after working a 12 hour day that starts at 4:45 a.m.
Snacking is getting better
I started this blog last week but for whatever reason I never went back to it. Then I made a decision on Thursday. A decision that would make a huge difference - Friday would be my last day at my original job gone part time.
As I suspected being the bookkeeper they were not jumping for joy when I told them Friday would be my last day, but he did say he understood and thanked me for hanging in with them as long as I did.
Friday came, I finished any open projects and tasks, left notes for what needed to be done and when, locked up and left. I looked at the building as I passed by took a deep breath and was at peace.
I can't explain it, I don't feel as tired and I actually have the desire to take care of my house. I don't feel as depressed as I did. Could the few hours I was working at night really be pulling me down that much? As I reflect, I think so; I'm beginning to believe that it wasn't the hours but the atmosphere I was working in. Because of the fate of the company it was depressing to go in.
I caved the first time I tried to quit by telling them I would come in after my day job and I can't say I won't cave again (he wouldn't take my keys when I offered them back - he asked "don't you want to keep them for another week or so?") but this time I feel empowered I know I can tell him NO I'm not coming back if I really don't want to come back and help. Now that I am feeling better and believe the job to be part of it, I don't want to go back to feeling that way.
The last day of my temporary job is tomorrow and I have no job lined up yet. I do have a good lead on a job but I need to be patient and wait it out. In the mean time I will continue to trust that God has everything in control and keep on keeping on until He turns me into another direction - on a new journey.
There is a part of me that can't believe that I have a peace about all of this and that we'll be fine. I start to pull it back and then the anxiety sets in - then I give back to He, I have no idea how many times I've gone through this cycle.
Hears to decisions that make a bigger impact on our lives then we would ever think they would.
For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11